1 Year Hanging Out and now... grad school!

Hello friends that I hardly ever write :) or call for that matter. I am now entrenched in grad school, and learning about epistemology as well as some life lessons. Life lesson number 1:
Something can be hard, or it can be hard and intimidating.

I knew grad school would be hard, but what I did not anticipate was how "behind" and unintelligent I would feel. Grappling with those feelings of "less than" has been an un-welcomed challenge. On top of that, I have been in Alabama for 1 year and 8 days, and I do not have a close friend that lives within an hour of my life. All that really to say, that I have no distractions (besides the long-distant boyfriend) to derail my thinking from, "I hate being stupid. I should be teaching and not here. At least kids think I'm smart." The good news is, I just had an affirming conversation with a professor. And other than I couldn't recall any article or book title, author, or professor's name that he asked me about (and that I completely blanked on the word "recommendation"), I'm feeling much better about my classes.

So now, more about what I'm reading. The last few days have been full of John Stuart Mill's Utilitarianism. I'm wondering if John Piper is a utilitarian, and how often I am. And if it's even bad (or if it even matters since it's philosophy). Utilitarianism (if I'm getting this right), is a theory that says moral codes and conduct should be based on the desire for happiness. Whether or not something is right or wrong depends on its ultimate happiness output (first society, then self). All factors must be taken into consideration. For example, if you lie, you might feel guilty (thus not as happy as you could be) or cause someone else not to trust you anymore (neither of you are as happy as you could have been in that case; unless you despise the person and were being vindictive or something - and then there's obviously bitterness in your heart you should deal with so you can be... Happy). Mill fits God neatly into his theory, even using the golden rule as his premise. God, according to utilitarian Christians, is concerned about our ultimate happiness. (Reminds me of a few promises in Jeremiah as well as Christ working all things together for good). Mill goes onto to say that the greatest acts are of sacrifice that are for the greater good and happiness of others. However, if happiness is not a result of the sacrifice, the sacrifice is "wasted." He really doesn't seem to be a fan of sacrifice, actually, but includes it since it is a part of reality.

You know, I could really use some joy or utility this week. And a few friends, someone to indulge my need to sit and sip tea in a peaceful setting, and clear direction about long distance relationships (one in particular that has the tendency to be both incredibly sweet and heartbreaking simultaneously).

Well, I may not be a good philosopher, grad student, long-distance friend, or girlfriend, but I am positive that somehow Christ can redeem all that I am not to help make who I am. And, although 30's in sight, I'm just not always that sure of who that is!

It's been great posting. And it helps me to write out what I'm reading about...so maybe more next week!