Every Now and Then

Every now and then I think about posting. Life has changed so much since the last time I wrote in this public and likely forgotten space. The summer break is coming to a close, and every day I continue to be thankful for my wonderful and caring husband. Marriage has been more wonderful than I even had dared to hope! Work has been challenging but satisfying. Our community is incredible. Our families are doing well. Life is good, oh so good and oh so sweet. And I truly am happy and appreciative. But, there remains with me this loss and tremendous heaviness as my family and I continue to miss Dusty. This summer was 6 years. And in less than two weeks, he would have turned 30. That thought is perhaps the one strong enough to draw me away from life as I now know it to a place of the past to write again. When I turned 30, I collected fun ideas from people I cared about, wishing I could have his suggestion too, and spent a month celebrating crossing the line in the sand of the life of a 20 something. It was such a silly thing, but a significant turning of age. And, I suppose it is this loss of his turning of age, crossing the line in the sand of a 20 something, even though he never even saw 24, is particularly sharp and hurtful. Tonight, as I think on the loss and how much I wanted everything good for him, and imagine him as nearing his 30's--the man I know he would have been because of the young man that he was--I will remember to celebrate the 23 years we had with him. There are so many happy memories--so perhaps for Dusty's 30th birthday, I will think on 30 of my favorite memories with him. Memories that keep my brother alive in my life as a continual part of my conversation and thoughts.